living loved

But I am a worm and not a man, scorned by everyone, despised by the people. – Psalm 22:6

Psalm 22 is the holy of holies when it comes to the Psalms. It is a psalm by David and a recorded pre-crucifixion vision almost 1,000 years prior to the crucifixion of Christ. It is difficult to refute the similarities between the two.

And sometimes the similarities between crazy-mama Loni and Jesus-lovin’ Loni are so stark, it is difficult to refute the differences between the two. UGH.

I had a beautiful morning celebrating “tola”, which is a Hebrew word for a worm or grub…and not just any worm, a very special worm. I couldn’t stop talking about it. And then baseball showed up…again.

If you ever want to see a two-headed monster just visit me on the baseball field on any given day through spring and summer – good grief. There may not be anything in this world that brings out the absolute best and absolute worst in me than a baseball field…especially one that has my child as participant. UGH. I’m not sure what exactly happens, but I often need to apologize and repent for various feelings, emotions, quiet words (c’mon now – you know I’m not the yelling type) and side conversations of frustration. And as I had one of those moments, I looked at the bearded beauty and said, “Babe, these kiddos sure do bring out the best AND the worst in me.”

And then came the Holy Spirit slap. And this leads me to “tola” – that beautiful little red grub in the picture. Very quietly within I heard, “Imagine how much I love you…”

All day I couldn’t stop talking about “tola” and then in a few (very dramatic mama bear moments), I completely forgot Whose I am. Tola is a little red grub in the Middle East. This little grub is the worm that is referenced in how David feels (as he experiences a vison or dream of the crucifixion) in Psalm 22. This little grub is mentioned 43 times in the Old Testament. David is describing a feeling – the lowest of lows, insignificant, nothing – a worm. Allow me tell you about this worm that is mentioned more than a few times.

The tola climbs a tree before death. It climbs a tree before death in order to anchor, create a protective shell or cover, and die to protect its unborn nymphs or larvae. Three days later (THREE), the babies feast on the mother’s body and drink the crimson fluid that she expels from her body (eat of my body and drink of my blood), and when they are finished, the shell and stain turn white (white as snow).

“Shut the front door!” Those were the exact words I said to the bearded beauty when I learned about this extraordinary biblical detail and would also be repeated that afternoon when I got caught up in -UGH- baseball. Seriously, shut the front door.

Who am I that my Abba Father would think this much for me? Who am I that my Abba Father would create such a beautiful creature for such a beautiful detail that the Hebrews of the time would have understood the significance as Jesus wore a crimson stained garment? Who am I to get so caught up in the insignificant that I forget to keep my gaze fixated on Jesus and only glance at this life? Who am I that He loves me, convicts me, and forgives me anyway? Who am I?

Friends, you may be living the closest-to-heaven-perfect-kind-of-life, but this child of God isn’t. I love my Abba so much, but I often fall short. I am so grateful for tola – that little wormy grub who brings attention to my lowest of lows and redemption in my highest of highs. I am grateful for His everyday reminders to look up and remember all He has done and the only thing that matters. I am grateful for His love for me…and the kids He gave me on loan on this side of heaven.

May we all do a little better and glance at life but stare at heaven.

XOXO, Loni